me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*