Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.