Namaste
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
“What?”
– Jude
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
no cat here
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!