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Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth