Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Leaving the Barbers like
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.