he chose this
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”