I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Barbie gone wild
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
That’s no pocket rocket.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad