What a chick magnet..
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.