My friend is an excellent librarian.
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.