Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT