I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me