I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…