Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I have obtained a hat
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.