[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Boating season is upon us.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
There is wisdom there.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad