I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I put the h in mysterious.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD