My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Thursday
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.