Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?