Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Software Development ⛵️
Canada has crack?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*