Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.