[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming