I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
OKAY DAD
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Well, shit
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Meow
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over