I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
let’s discuss
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”