Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff