harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting