Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.