I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
asking santa clause for nudes
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.