Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
🤣could you imagine
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.