003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Genius idea!!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?