SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.