me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
🤣could you imagine
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.