There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off