RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house