When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Fight
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week