[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
A wise man once said nothing.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
The biggest mystery of our time
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”