*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
You Might Also Like
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅