Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
good for her