My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
You Might Also Like
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.