I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.