7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
You Might Also Like
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.