Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
the greatest twitter interaction
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.