My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming