When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets