[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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IT’S-A ME,
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
adam and eve had first world problems
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.