i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?