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Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Sniffing the broccoli
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
That took me a moment.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.