Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
You Might Also Like
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me recordaron éste meme
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.