[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone