that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME