I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math