hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Friends that check up on you >
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Okey dokey.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you